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Submitted on
November 12, 2012
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As a fire does burn
Deep into the night
Away the flames fly
In a fearless flight

The flames burn strong
Of light and heat
Glowing with life
Yet dead in defeat

Feeding on a log
Taunt and tame
A lifeless soul
A faithless flame

I look into the flame
I see what appears to be
The past of a dream
The meaning of me

I look at the coals
A glowing sensation
looking at my past
Of tainted temptation

The flames are dying
As the night grows old
I see the flames suffering
As I feel around me the cold

I close my eyes once more
Feeling again of shame
What has died away in front of me
Is the faithless flame

I face the cold once more
No warmth, no light
I continue to walk south and east
Facing the fearless flight

Roam into cold and dark
Fight through your vain
Stay on the narrow path
And avoid the faithless flame
I just now wrote this poem. I am not sure what inspired it or how, it just sort of came to me.

There is a moral to this poem. Don't let the illusions of warmth and comfort fool you; the easiest way is not always the right way.
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:iconnilsonchocolunchtime:
Very good so far!

Your imagery is definite, but not yet very concrete. What EXACTLY is happening here? Good poetry uses concrete imagery. Try to be less subjective. A poem should NOT be a puzzle despite what high school English might make you think.

So there's a "moral" to your poem? What is it? It does not become clear even after a few reads. Think about this if you rewrite.

Your rhymes feel a bit forced. What if your poem has no rhyme scheme? Will that detract from the meaning or will it allow you to further the ideas your exploring without feeling trapped? Hint: most poets from the 20th century do not use rhyme.

Have you read Dickinson? This sort of recalls her to life. Ted Hughes is also an essential.

Keep up the good work!
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconadowable-unlimited:
This is a great poem. I am a writer myself, and know a good one when I see one. I like the way you both rhyme and repeat the "f" sound over and over. It makesa nice sort of... melody with the words. In my interpretation, this poem could most likely be about a dream, or a wish. It also seems like a warning. A very nice moral too, if you ask me myself. But I will give the other viewers a chance to find it. This poem is beautiful and behind it, it holds much meaning. Congratulations on writing this masterpiece.
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4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconquaink:
QuaINK Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Next time try to be more mysteriously specific with what message you're trying to send to your readers though
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:iconquaink:
QuaINK Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It is very deep and inspirational.True it could mean many things but to me it means follow your dreams and dont give up until you've fulfilled it,and you said it correctly:"Don't let the illusions of warmth and comfort fool you; the easiest way is not always the right way."this honestly should be directed to teenagers who are becoming adults and are starting stray off the path to success,happiness,and love.Obviously the critics have yet to interpret this poem in a way that personally targets themselves like i have.5 stars from me!
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:iconcommander-c:
COMMANDER-C Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are very close, but it is more based on the lines of not letting the past hold you back, rather than following your dreams.
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:iconhyles:
Hyles Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Too lazy to write a full critique, but I'll just add that "feeding on a log" is a bit laughable in any context, so might want to think about that..
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:iconcommander-c:
COMMANDER-C Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
One who has mistaken pornography in art does not deserve the beauty it yields.
The joke was cute, it made me chuckle, but let us try to be mature in this area.
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:iconhyles:
Hyles Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
I'm not trying to make a joke - I am just pointing out that the phrase might have the desired effect on some of your readers...
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:iconcommander-c:
COMMANDER-C Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
One who has mistaken pornography in art does not deserve the beauty it yields.
The joke was cute, it made me chuckle, but let us try to be mature in this area.
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:iconeternalgeekexposed:
EternalGeekExposed Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013
I can't leave proper critiques without a full membership, but here's the comments I can offer anyway.

Your imagery gets better near the end than it was in the beginning. You describe the flames, but you don't describe sensations until near the end as they are dying. The poem would feel much more real and raw if you led the reader through the experience instead of using vague descriptions like "strong" "taut" "lifeless" and other such words that have no physical feeling or experience attached to them. Your rhyming scheme was also a little awkward in the beginning, especially "a fire does burn". Using "does" to fill an extra syllable makes it feel awkward.

Your overall meaning is interesting and I think is a cool aspect to the poem, but I think you could make it come out more in the work instead of having to explain it later. The flame works great as a metaphor for passing enjoyments because it is warm and inviting, but short-lived and ultimately can't be touched. Trying to bring out these aspects of the flame in your writing with descriptive words would help bring this meaning forward. You bring up the log to express (I think) how the flame feeds off of and kills those that indulge in it, but it would be much more effective if you replaced that stanza with a stanza describing sensations of trying to approach or touch the flame yourself. That is something that the reader can much better relate to and it would make the poem a richer experience. Finally, I felt that the "moral" stanza at the end felt out-of-place after you wrote the rest of the poem from your experience. Suddenly breaking the fourth wall and talking to the reader is jarring and a little heavy-handed. A good poem should make its meaning accessible, but not have to scream it at the reader. As such, replacing that stanza with another one written from your perspective that gives your audience some feeling of relief that the flame is gone, even if it was comforting, would serve you much better.

I hope this helps you hone down your cool idea into something even better. All the best!
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:iconcommander-c:
COMMANDER-C Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Perhaps read it with a different thought, a different interpretation.
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:iconwolfeofchaos:
WolfeofChaos Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
I'm most impressed with the depth and emotion being shown here. But what impresses me most of all is how you can relate this to reality. Well done.

Sincerely yours,
Wolfe of Chaos
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