Your imagery is definite, but not yet very concrete. What EXACTLY is happening here? Good poetry uses concrete imagery. Try to be less subjective. A poem should NOT be a puzzle despite what high school English might make you think.
So there's a "moral" to your poem? What is it? It does not become clear even after a few reads. Think about this if you rewrite.
Your rhymes feel a bit forced. What if your poem has no rhyme scheme? Will that detract from the meaning or will it allow you to further the ideas your exploring without feeling trapped? Hint: most poets from the 20th century do not use rhyme.
Have you read Dickinson? This sort of recalls her to life. Ted Hughes is also an essential.
This is a great poem. I am a writer myself, and know a good one when I see one. I like the way you both rhyme and repeat the "f" sound over and over. It makesa nice sort of... melody with the words. In my interpretation, this poem could most likely be about a dream, or a wish. It also seems like a warning. A very nice moral too, if you ask me myself. But I will give the other viewers a chance to find it. This poem is beautiful and behind it, it holds much meaning. Congratulations on writing this masterpiece.
It is very deep and inspirational.True it could mean many things but to me it means follow your dreams and dont give up until you've fulfilled it,and you said it correctly:"Don't let the illusions of warmth and comfort fool you; the easiest way is not always the right way."this honestly should be directed to teenagers who are becoming adults and are starting stray off the path to success,happiness,and love.Obviously the critics have yet to interpret this poem in a way that personally targets themselves like i have.5 stars from me!
I can't leave proper critiques without a full membership, but here's the comments I can offer anyway.
Your imagery gets better near the end than it was in the beginning. You describe the flames, but you don't describe sensations until near the end as they are dying. The poem would feel much more real and raw if you led the reader through the experience instead of using vague descriptions like "strong" "taut" "lifeless" and other such words that have no physical feeling or experience attached to them. Your rhyming scheme was also a little awkward in the beginning, especially "a fire does burn". Using "does" to fill an extra syllable makes it feel awkward.
Your overall meaning is interesting and I think is a cool aspect to the poem, but I think you could make it come out more in the work instead of having to explain it later. The flame works great as a metaphor for passing enjoyments because it is warm and inviting, but short-lived and ultimately can't be touched. Trying to bring out these aspects of the flame in your writing with descriptive words would help bring this meaning forward. You bring up the log to express (I think) how the flame feeds off of and kills those that indulge in it, but it would be much more effective if you replaced that stanza with a stanza describing sensations of trying to approach or touch the flame yourself. That is something that the reader can much better relate to and it would make the poem a richer experience. Finally, I felt that the "moral" stanza at the end felt out-of-place after you wrote the rest of the poem from your experience. Suddenly breaking the fourth wall and talking to the reader is jarring and a little heavy-handed. A good poem should make its meaning accessible, but not have to scream it at the reader. As such, replacing that stanza with another one written from your perspective that gives your audience some feeling of relief that the flame is gone, even if it was comforting, would serve you much better.
I hope this helps you hone down your cool idea into something even better. All the best!
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More